Kitty Torture
by Fuyumi
Summary: It's hard to be a cat when your owner's in love. Poor Crookshanks can't take it anymore.
1. Kitty Torture

**Kitty Torture**   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book.   


They were at it again. 

It never failed. Every day, they would get back from their lessons at the same time. Every day, they would plop down their books on the same table. And every day, after a few minutes of studying their lessons, they would start studying each other. 

Well, studying was one way to put it. Crookshanks could have told them that there were different ways of studying each other besides from just staring all the time. He could not see why they were still in the first stages of courting when it was obvious that they were enamored of each other. One of them should have pounced by now. 

It was actually grating on his nerves. 

That was unusual. Usually not much bothered him. Yes, he was not happy when Meow-nie was sad or when there was no fish to be had, but it didn't actually get on his nerves, to use a people term. That was life. Life was fluid, like water. It was always changing and never stood still. He tried to make it better, by purring in Meow-nie's face till she smiled or subtly reminding Meow-nie that fish would be nice. Usually, life would take a turn for the better and he'd get his fish. 

This had been going on for several weeks. And it was only getting worse—a couple of days ago Meow-nie had almost forgotten to feed him. He had quickly put an end to that—scratching her books immediately got her attention. Still it should have never happened. 

What was just as bad was that he was losing sleep. Meow-nie had the bad habit (all persons had at least one) of talking in her sleep when she was worried. Normally, Crookshanks did not mind all that much. He lost sleep but there was nothing Meow-nie could do about it. The nights of the past few weeks were different though. Meow-nie would constantly flop around in her bed, muttering about bright green eyes and about kisses that tasted so sweet. Sometimes she giggled in the most foolish way. All of this made Crookshanks lose sleep. 

What was different was that Meow-nie could do something. If Nice Guy tasted so good in her dreams, then why didn't she pounce him and taste him for real? He was losing sleep for nothing. Crookshanks also suspected that he was losing weight and that would never do. 

He was getting quite annoyed with his person for acting like a fool. 

Besides, it was a good match. You could smell how they cared about each other. When Nice Guy was in danger, Meow-nie turned the air blue with her fretting. When Meow-nie spent too much time on her lessons, Nice Guy would be there to remind her of more important things. They did so much together. At times, he could hear them breathe in unison together. They got on so well together. 

But most importantly, Crookshanks could live with Nice Guy's Owl. Or, to be more accurate, Nice Guy's Owl could live with him. If he had to share close quarters with Loud Guy's piece of fluff for too much time, he would wind up eating the little fluff ball like the tasty kneazle snack it was. 

Just then Crookshanks heard Meow-nie sighed. He whimpered. They were going to start _that _again. 

Like clockwork, Nice Guy's sigh came following hers. Then Meow-nie sighed again. Then Nice Guy. Then Meow-nie yet again. Once they started this pattern, they never did end. 

Crookshanks's whimpers had now turned into full-fledged whines. This was kitty torture. They wouldn't stop with the sighs. He was slowly being driven insane. He was going to wind up in the Dog House. 

He wasn't the only one. He could see Loud Guy beginning to clench his fists in annoyance. Crookshanks did not agree with Loud Guy all that much but right now he was almost willing to beg Loud Guy to do something. 

And that was wrong. Cats should never beg. 

Fortunately, he didn't have to. Loud Guy couldn't take it either. He stood up, and in typical Loud Guy fashion, challenged Meow-nie to a game of chess. 

Crookshanks never got that game. All you had were a bunch of stone pieces running around hacking at each other. It was more fun to play with string. Meow-nie didn't get it either because she always lost. That was no big deal in Crookshanks's mind but somehow it was in hers. She was determined to beat Loud Guy at his own stupid game. 

That was just silly. She should have just ignored him and played with a bit of yarn. Still at least Loud Guy's game did have some use—they had stopped with the sighs. 

This would never do. He was losing weight. He had been whining like a dog. He had been ready to beg. At this rate, he'd soon be foaming at the mouth. 

Crookshanks would just have to take matters into his own paws. As neither Meow-nie nor Nice Guy were bright enough to do something about their attraction, it was up to him to push them together. A cat had to take care of his person, after all. 

More importantly, however, was that if this lasted much longer, he wouldn't be much of a cat at all.   
  


**Author's note**--I know I've posted this elsewhere but I thought I'd add this one here as everyone who reviewed really seemed to like the Crookshanks chapter. I'll probably post part two tomorrow. As always, I would appreciate it if you left a review. Thanks! 


	2. Cat Nip

**Cat Nip**   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book.   


Cats did not make good matchmakers. 

Cats were excellent at mousing and getting rid of other pests. Cats were the best hunters out there. Cats could detect suspicious persons better than most persons. Cats were the best animals to have around. They were much cleaner and neater and smarter than dogs. 

Yet cats were simply awful at matchmaking. 

It hadn't taken too long for Crookshanks to figure this out. 

Crookshanks knew Meow-nie and Nice Guy would make a good pair. He knew they knew it too. They spent all their free time together. They were always brushing up against each other, as if to mark their territory. They just were too stubborn to be the first to pounce. 

It had been driving Crookshanks mad. Their constant sighs and sickening looks had been getting on his nerves. And there were few things in this world that could manage that. Most things he could ignore. Those he could not, he snapped at. 

He couldn't very well snap at both Meow-nie and Nice Guy. Actually, he could but it would do no good. They would just yell at him and then go back to sighing. The only thing that made him feel better was annoying Loud Guy. Crookshanks had taken to catching and eating large spiders in front of Loud Guy. 

Loud Guy never appreciated that. He should have thanked Crookshanks for ridding the world of a few more spiders if he was so scared of them. It was another reason why Crookshanks didn't think much of Loud Guy. Not to mention the fact that it was really silly to be afraid of spiders. They were too small to hurt you. Besides, even if you were afraid of something, you shouldn't act like a scaredy cat. 

But Loud Guy wasn't his problem anymore. His problem was getting Meow-nie and Nice Guy together. Matchmaking was hard for a cat. Crookshanks had no problems keeping people away from Meow-nie. Loud Guy had once liked Meow-nie. Crookshanks did not like that. Loud Guy had been acting as if he owned Meow-nie. 

That was wrong. It was obvious that Meow-nie was his person. He wasn't going to let any person take her away from him. Loud Guy had tried to do exactly that as he had always been shooing Crookshanks out of the room. Crookshanks couldn't let that continue. He had soon chased Loud Guy away. It had almost been too easy. 

Crookshanks had pondered chasing Nice Guy away for a few seconds. It would have been easier to do. But that would have made Meow-nie sad. That would not have been good. 

So he was stuck with getting them together. So far he had only failed miserably. Some would say that he had failed spectacularly, but Crookshanks was too good of a cat to admit to that. 

Mainly cats could not match make because of their lack of hands. He was able to pair up likely victims. Meow-nie and Nice Guy went well together. They would care for each other. More importantly, Nice Guy might actually start feeding him—one should always keep an eye on the bigger picture. The lack of hands made it extremely difficult to push the two together. 

Crookshanks couldn't do many other plans because he had paws. He couldn't do the love letter trick that the Bad-Smelling Gossip Twins employed. That was too bad—they had kept him up many a time laughing over some ridiculous plan. When one of the things he had heard might have finally been useful, he was unable to exploit it. All because of his lack of hands. 

When he had figured that out, he had become rather mad. It just showed how useless the Gossip Twins were. All they were good at were at keeping him awake and that was not something to be proud of. He had spent a morning venting his rage on their bad smelling curtains. 

That had been worth it. They had taken their anger out of Meow-nie of course. Though Meow-nie hadn't been happy at the time, she had gotten over that quickly. She had whispered to him that the room smelled much better without all that purr-fume. Crookshanks also thought that was wrong. Why name something that smelled so bad after his purrs? His purrs deserved much better than that. 

He was about ready to give up the chase. If cats were meant to matchmake, they would have been given hands. Crookshanks was at his wits' end. He couldn't push them together. He couldn't write those stupid love letters. He had once constructed an elaborate plan that ended with Meow-nie in Nice Guy's lap. That had worked only Nice Guy had turned red and pushed Meow-nie off. 

Crookshanks had wanted to bite Nice Guy for that. It was obvious to all with eyes that he liked Meow-nie. Why did he have to get upset and act so cruel? Meow-nie had been so sad after that. The only reason why Nice Guy's ankles were still intact was that Crookshanks had been too busy comforting his person. 

He still hadn't gotten his revenge. 

That was an idea. Perhaps he could eat his fish and have it too. Meow-nie, Nice Guy and Loud Guy were due to come back very soon. 

As if on cue, Meow-nie and Nice Guy walked through the portrait hole. Without Loud Guy—not that Crookshanks cared where he was. It just made his job easier. 

Crookshanks made a beeline towards Nice Guy's ankles. He had been wanting to snap at the two love fools for some time now. Nice Guy had just been stupid enough to give Crookshanks another reason to do so. 

He viciously snapped at Nice Guy's ankles and sunk his teeth in. Crookshanks was not about to pull his cat nips. He was going to make Nice Guy hurt for making Meow-nie sad and with any luck, get them together too. 

It was working as well. Nice Guy had been taken completely by surprise when Crookshanks first attacked. He was now trying to shake Crookshanks off and was begging Meow-nie for help. 

If Meow-nie knew what was good for her, she would just let him take care of this. 

Luck was with Crookshanks for once. For some reason, Meow-nie wasn't doing anything—out of shock or perhaps out of a wish for revenge of her own. Nice Guy finally lost his balance and fell. 

Right on top of Meow-nie. 

Crookshanks sat down, feeling very pleased with himself. All was right in the world. If this didn't work, at least Meow-nie would be able to push off Nice Guy like he did to her. What goes around, comes around. He closed his eyes, content to bask at the success of his plan, regardless of the outcome. A few minutes later, he spared a quick glance at the two. 

They hadn't moved. Or rather, they were still in the same place, although their hands were moving all over and their tongues were busy licking each other. They were both purring happily. 

Perhaps a smart cat could matchmake after all. 

Crookshanks got up to leave. The two lovebirds deserved some privacy. He hoped that Nice Guy remembered to thank him later. Fish would be nice, but above all else, he hoped that Nice Guy would always treat his person like the absolute treasure she was.   


**Author's note**--Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one as well. I'd appreciate it if you could leave a review letting me know what you think. Oh and Eric--I am still giggling over the name you gave to Ron. That is simply perfect for him. 


	3. Male Solidarity

**Male Solidarity**   
Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book.   
  


Crookshanks glanced over at his fellow suffering male from the corner of his eye. He relaxed as he saw that the fool was blocking the sight of him should Meow-nie walk in. He closed his eyes again and tried to get some sleep while he still could, not feeling guilty in the slightest that Nice Guy would be the one to deal with Meow-nie's wrath. After all, it was his fault that they were in this situation. 

Being a typical cat, Crookshanks refused to accept any blame even though he was the one who had paired the two together. Besides, if anyone was at fault, it was clearly Nice Guy's fault as he was the only male who could have prevented this situation. 

Not that Meow-nie seemed to care about it. No, when she was in one of her moods lately, woe betide any male who crossed her path. 

The sound of footsteps stomping down the stairs told Crookshanks that Meow-nie was approaching – and from the sounds of it, she wasn't in the best of moods. He was considering making a run for it when she stomped in. Thankfully she ignored both of the males at the table to rummage in the kitchen. Unfortunately, their peace was not to last. All too soon, she had stomped back towards them. 

Crookshanks really wished she would stop with the stomping. It wasn't good for his ears. He was going to become deaf if this kept up. 

"We're out of salami," she announced in a grumpy voice. 

"Err . . . we are?" Nice Guy answered, sounding a bit confused. "But I just bought some last week." 

If Crookshanks were human, he would had hid his face in his palms. As it were, he could only wince at Nice Guy's stupidity and try to look smaller. That was just asking for trouble. 

"Are you trying to say something, Harry?" 

"Maybe it's time to buy some more?" 

"No, let's not change the subject here . . ." 

"But I thought we were talking about salami—" 

"We were, until you had to go and say that I'm eating too much." 

At that point, Crookshanks knew that it was inevitable that his person would either get steaming mad or her eyes would flood with tears. He didn't know which option was worse. 

They both seemed rather bad. 

Luckily for Nice Guy, Meow-nie started bawling. She was babbling about something but Crookshanks could not understand a single word she said. He peeked out of his hiding spot, watching to see if Nice Guy could handle the situation or if he would have to step in. He would be disappointed if Nice Guy couldn't figure out a solution as one reason Crookshanks had originally paired Meow-nie with him was because Nice Guy wouldn't make her cry like Loud Guy would. 

Nice Guy didn't let Crookshanks or Meow-nie down. Though the smell of him clearly said that he still didn't understand the situation, he stood up and embraced Meow-nie tightly. He started to whisper something into Meow-nie's ears but Crookshanks didn't bother to listen. 

He was a cat, after all. 

Resting his chin back on the ground, Crookshanks closed his eyes. It would be good to try and get some sleep now. Trying to get sleep at night had been problematic since he and Meow-nie had moved in with Nice Guy. He couldn't even hope for quieter nights in the future as everyone knew that kittens were never quiet things. Crookshanks suddenly thought that going deaf might be a good idea so he could get more sleep. 

It could be worse though. At least Hermione craved for salami with her cornflakes and jam in the mornings. She could have preferred fish.   


**Author's note:** I know this is very short. I was just looking on my hard drive, saw this, and thought I'd post it here as it is a sequel to this fic. 


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